Creature of the week...Shemoybl!

When in Crutonia, it would not be a rare event to meet with one of our shemoybl citizens. While their clan is thought to originate from the Southern city of Tchoffldayl, they are also quite populous here in the capital. They are a friendly sort, and are a sociable bunch. While shemoybl are similar to bordaden in their interest in commerce, they tend to have much more libertarian attitudes towards organized government. They seem to enjoy family life and are not obsessed with social status as we bordaden. Shemoybl commonly run family businesses together. The shemoybl are open-minded about other cultures and commonly inter-marry.

To recognize a shemoybl, it is good to know that they include many variants but have general themes in appearance, including a furry body trunk and non-furry limbs. Physical variations include colors, limb length, and nose length. Other variants include a black eye variant and a no nose variant. While I will admit that I am not fully comfortable with their liberal ways, I count many a shemoybl as my dearest colleagues and friends.

Aphne - A city of traitorous frogs

Hello my loyal followers! It is too bad that not ALL are loyal to their King, but alas! Since I have hinted about the city of Aphne before, I would feel remiss if I didn't educate my faithful citizens.

During the most horrid CrutonianPit-Erbian war, the enemy to all Crutonians and an invader from another land, Hera Scratch, built a new city to function as her headquarters. It was planned that this city, Aphne, would serve as the new capital of Crutonia after Hera had control of the country. Aphne was constructed by renegade sxervian frogs, who believed that Hera would be victorious and they wanted to be part of her conquering army. Yes, most sxervian frogs are very loyal subjects, but a small handful pledged their loyalty in a foolish, misguided way.

Since good and honor won, the wicked Hera was defeated and chased back to her wretched home land. Abandoned, the angry Aphne frogs burned many of the structures in the city, including the main castle and a statue of Hera. While the Aphne frogs planned to return home to the Cruton area, they discovered they were charged with being traitors to the Crutonian crown and forbidden from their original home. What choice was there? I could never trust them back in the capital after their treachery! With nowhere else to go, the frogs returned to Aphne. While the Aphne frogs are resentful of their banishment, they still desire reunion with their home in Cruton and have become loyal again to the Crutonian Crown. I would be a foolish king to forgive so easily here.

Yellow Brigade

In the capital city of Cruton, we are well protected from invaders who wish to pillage our great wealth, and from horrible citizen-eating creatures. This security is provided by our frog militia, comprised of sxervian frogs. In Cruton, we have two major frog security forces, the Yellow and the Purple Brigades. The Purple Brigade oversees the safety of the city proper, while the Yellow is specifically assigned to guard the Castle, the staff royale, and (of the highest importance) myself and my family.

For all the brigades, each frog is in a group of six frogs. This group is also called a brigade. Two of these brigades make up a squad, and all the squads/brigades together are referred to as a battalion. Each battalion, squad, and brigade has a leader.

Pictured here is the Yellow Brigade. The battalion leader, Bnjamin, and his two squad leaders, Teedor and Symun, are all decorated war heroes. So is the frog Phranklun, poor chap. He was for a time a high-ranking frog, but fell in ranks due to some bad behavior. He has not been quite right since the war.

Creature of the week...Sxervian Frog!

I was having a rather interesting discussion with my esteemed colleague, Zoop (the palace Alchemist royale) about frogs. Now, I have mentioned Kroayzn frogs earlier here, but our talk was on another type, the sxervian.

Sxervian frogs are the more common of the frog varieties, and are usually, I stress usually, hard-working and loyal. I will mention a most unfortunate exception to this later. The exception are the traitorous Aphnietes.

These frogs, in general, are somewhat brutish, and yet are impressively disciplined. They have a structured militaristic society, and organize themselves into groups, then larger groups of these smaller groups, and so on. These fellows tend to form organized collectives with a clear hierarchic structure.

Here in Cruton we benefit greatly from our sxervian frog citizens. They form the main population of our security forces, under General Hoobs. Many of the frogs living in Cruton are in either the yellow or the purple brigades. These brigades are very loyal of their King, as they should be.

Sxervians breed in small pools, going there just to lay their eggs and leave. Our local Cruton frogs visit a secluded area near town called the hatchery. I have included a splendid picture here! The eggs hatch into furry tadpoles. Eventually they grow arms and legs and leave the water to return to the cities.

The Archive of Crutonian Knowledge

All Hail King Hoonkl! Ha ha!

Ok... so as I was mentioning earlier, the castle houses any number of important citizens and staff members. You have already met my family and General Hoobs. Here are Parisppany Bristol and Fleegr Bn...



...They are the Chief Archivist and Royal Sage, respectively, and they work at the Archive of Crutonian Knowledge, which is to be found on the third floor of the palace. Parisppany keeps all the documents, books and spells in order. She is quiet and efficient... one rarely sees her out and about, though my wife says she plays the glorkenspegul beautifully! Fleegr does the looking up of important things that I wish to know! He can be a bit of a bore, but is usually patient with me when I nod off, which is good, because a simple question can take hours to answer, apparently! Together they are quite the team! Plus they can read, which is helpful.

Fleegr has his own quarters in the Palace, but Parisppany lives in the city with her husband Immigglaxious Po, the school teacher.

Alright! Toodles for now!

Your immensely magnanimous King,

Me!

And now, MY HOUSE!

Well, enough about Rimram and Tchoffldayl and all that! Back to the important things, like me, the King!!

Here is a picture of my house, Castle Cruton. Set above my capital city of Cruton, it is the largest single building in all of Crutonia. In addition to housing my wife and I and Cactus, our youngest, It is home to many other court officials. It also contains Cafe Cruton, a lovely eating establishment
open to the public, indoor gardens, a dance hall (Okford Ominous conducts) and the ACK, the Archive of Crutonian Knowledge, lots of books or something. Anyhoo... here it is! Splendid!

Rimram's mansion, Tchoffldayl

Haha! So here is my brother Rimram's mayoral mansion in Tchoffldayl. I can only imagine the fun he gets up to there! Oh and by the way, my new niece's name is Herimon. So Herimon Snorsmed, newest member of my fabulous family! ta ta for now!

Tchoffldayl, Gem of the Pillar Mountains!

So here is Tchoffldayl, where my brother Rimram is the mayor... I just told you about him, I hope you were paying attention!

Tchoffldayl is located in the Southwestern peninsula of Crutonia, deep in the heart of the Pillar Mountains. It sits on an island in the Thimblewind River, and due to this location is an important trading hub. It's local economy is based mainly in Eblixxer, an alcoholic spirit made by the Eebloo, Hashnuts, Gooch Cigars and Tchelo, a naturally occurring goo that is quite delicious.

Many prominent citizens also live in Tchoffldayl, including the distinguished Gort family, Crisen the healer (Antana's brother) as well as Jerribonal Jorb, a member of the exclusive Alphebeta Club. I have never really been able to pin down what it is exactly he does... something in trade I believe. Well, Rimram says he is quite splendid, and a big help in keeping things in order.

It can be quite a wild place, or at least it was in my youth, when last I visited. I suppose I shall find out for myself if it has changed much as I will be obliged to make a Royal visit to see my new niece!

Alright, ta for now!

Exciting news!

Hey folks! I know it has been a while, but I've been busy busy! Crutonia doesn't rule itself you know!

Well I am very pleased to announce the newest addition to the royal family! My Brother, Rimram and his wife Antana had a baby girl just last week! Isn't she precious? Rimram says she looks just like him but frankly I don't see it. She does look vaguely familiar though... hmmm.


Anyway, Rimram is the mayor of the southern city Tchoffldayl, down in the Pillar Mountains. Fantastic country! I will follow this up with telling you a little about it, but for now just be happy for me! Oh, and Rimram and Antana too I suppose. I will let you know when the little squirmer has a name.

Creature of the week...Kroayzn Frog!

Some of the most outgoing and social creatures in town are the kroayzn frogs. Kroayzn frogs live in a highly fashionable society of their own devising. While kroayzn society is mainly centered in Arcadia, especially the city of Oshkosh, small enclaves can be found in most major metropolitan areas such as Cruton. Most of the Kroayzn in Cruton live in the Whoohookis neighborhood. I enjoy visiting there for the gourmet meals, fancy hairstyles, and theatrical performances.

The frogs are quite the socialites. The Kroayzn put fashion and their own status above all else, throwing huge parties to maintain and advance their status in the society. It is also of the highest importance to be seen in the latest fashion during these social events. A mainstay of fashion is length of hair, and often stilts are used so that hair can grow to absurd lengths without tripping its owner.

Kroazyn incubate their eggs in a fancy fountain in their homes called a laviswank. The fountain, the eggs, and the resulting hatchlings are cared for by nannies. When the hatchlings, called glamglampetls, emerge from the fountain, the household holds a glamorous coming out party called the glamglampetl Krotillion.

I have to admit that I find them rather shallow and surprised by their willingness to do anything, including disfiguring themselves or their children to advance their social status. Often they outfit their children with metal rings called whohootashen to stretch their bodies and necks to obtain greater heights. To each their own, who am I to judge? Oh yes, I am the King! It is my job to judge.

The Hotel Who

The Hotel Who is the most upscale hotel in downtown Cruton (District 1, Cruton Hill) and is a top choice of visitors. Several well to do Crutoners also live at the hotel on a long term basis, such as the barrister Pofktrum Wistler. Ibleswich founded the hotel, and the running of the hotel is quite the family affair, with several family members working and living in the hotel. Pindeleen Whooshter, the wife of Ibleswich, styles hair in the hotel as well as in a spa in Whoohookis. Ibleswich's Aunt, Archs, helps run the front desk with her son Anski, and Anski's wife Gelli and her sister Isp run a cafe in the hotel. In addition, Tungu is a concierge, and Ibleswich’s brother, Prink, runs a fine restaurant next to the hotel called Prink’s Chop House.

The inn is quite comfortable and is the first choice of many dignitaries both domestic and foreign. There was some sort of unfortunate incident that occured there at some point, however. As I recall, Archs husband, the esteemed Kooker, was killed in the hotel in a mysterious accident. It is still not clear what happened, but it is said that he still haunts the hotel, most notably in his favorite room of 5C. Supposedly he requests pies, although it is not clear why. An impressive portrait hangs of Kooker in the lobby of the hotel.

The lovely jubijee tree

As I walk about in the glorious city of Cruton, I am delighted by the diverse trees and plants that grow throughout town. One of my favorite of these trees is the jubijee. The jubijee has a bulbous-shaped top that has many long pods attached. The pods have a pink fluffy outgrowth. Each pod has a single seed, and within this pod is in a dark fluid. Besides being a lovely tree, the plant is also utilitarian, since the pods can be harvested for pens. Depending on how the pods are processed, the ink can be purple or black, watery or thick. The end of the pod is nicked, and the pod can be shaken since the seed inside will aid in the ink flow. For this reason, jubijee are cultivated by many of our citizens who rely on its quills for their occupations, such as Ikarod Flink, the royal scribe (pictured using a jubijee quill), Knyoski Aoin, Chief Editor and reporter for our national newspaper (the Banana Peel), and Nersel Buyukbay, the royal cartographer.

Outside the city and in the wilds, the color pink is attractive to many creatures, including treacles. Pods that have fallen off the tree will attract treacle, and the pink fluff will easily stick to the treacle’s fur. This helps disperse the pods. Since the pods are somewhat brittle, the treacle will eventually rupture the pod and release the seed and the black fluid. As the treacle cleans itself off, the sugary spit will nourish the seed. This adequately allows the trees to propagate in the forests, while we cityfolk gladly take over the treacle's responsibility and cultivate the seeds ourselves. All the better, I say! No one wants treacles sticking up our magnificent town with their sugary spit!

Creature of the week...Poorkon!

Just outside the city of Cruton, in the Mushroom forest, it is quite common to see golden poorkons. There are two varieties, mushroom or golden poorkon, and northern (also known as snowey or wooley) poorkon. The Northerns are usually found in the snowy regions in the North.

Poorkon lay large eggs around and about and abandon them, the forest has quite a few laying about. Poorkon do not make protective nests and tend to lay their eggs where ever they are. It is due to this behavior that many of the eggs are broken or eaten. The poorkon make up for this loss by being very prolific egg layers.

Many of Cruton's fine restaurants serve dishes that utilize the poorkon's eggs or meat. Golden porkon is quite delicious, with a wonderful mushroomy flavor. The Northern poorkon meat is much spicier, I find the flavor a bit exotic.

Creature of the Week... Bordadens!

So, some of you might well be asking, if Crutonia is full of all these different critters, what pray tell kind of creature am I, your fabulous King! The answer, my little kooks, is a Bordadens!

We bordadens make up a significant percent of the species that populate the cities and towns of Crutonia, along with Shemoybl, Braxxon, Bungali and a hand full of others. But more about all those later! This is about bordadens!!

Ok... so bordadens could actually be said the foundation of Crutonian society. We are an industrious lot, and take our professions very seriously. We are obsessed with societal standing, and the various families vie for social prominence based on the sum total of familial success. The individual who is deemed to be the most successful in any given family is the family head, regardless of age or sex.

You could imagine that this would lead to quite a lot of squabbling, but our belief that family status is more important than that of the individual rules out most treachery, as the shame of cheating would significantly damage the overall standing of the family.

We are a noble lot, and none more noble than me, the King!! Ha ah! Well, here are some of the other prominent bordadens citizens of Cruton...

just a few... I could go on and on, we are such a splendid lot! Well, goodbye for now... and remember, wash your tails before bedtime!

Quenterindy Quirk, Explorer

This is Captain Quenterindy Quirk... He is a member of the prestegeous Alephbetta elite and also is a veteran of both the Pitto-Crutonian War and the Pitto-Erbian War.

As a reward for these heroics and also as a favor to some of his comrades, I commissioned him to preform a grand survey for The Crown. His mission is to map and survey the flora and fauna of the more remote areas of the kingdom. To aid him in this endeavor he has put together what I can only imagine is a crack team of specialists... Nersel Buyukbay, the Cartographer Royal; Lanitee, a Zeep botanist who is also a healer from what I understand, and her assistant, Cleus; and the Vegahorse-Vega pair Burtrym and Waldemar, who are specialists in biology an ecology (studied at the prestigious Llanarch School For the Learned apparently). There are some others, but I don't quite remember who... servants and guards and whatnot, I believe.

Anyway, the good Captain set out well over a month ago... I wonder how he is doing?

Creature of the Week... Boolgook!

This week's creature is the Boolgook. They are docile swamp dwellers living in great abundance in the Boolgook Bog, not far from Cruton.

It was into one of these creatures, a boolgook by the name of Umber, that my mind was transferred to as a result of a botched reanimation spell performed by the sorceress, Clytemnestra. As a result I spent quite a bit of time living as a boolgook, and also it was during this time that Cactus, the Crown Prince was born.

Anyway, enough about me! Boolgooks are vegetarians, eating vast quantities of Bopaberries, a plant native to the wetlands. They also continue to grow throughout their lives, and some can get to be quite emmense! The largest one I know of is Old Pastel, and he is about the size of a building!

For a short time we had a boolgook nanny for Cactus, a sweet young lady boolgook by the name of Buttercup, but alas he dissmissed her when on a state visit to his sister... don't really remember why... hmmm.

Cactus, Crown Prince of Crutonia

Hello all! Here is my son, Cactus! Do you see the family resemblance? No? Well he was born when I was temporarily trapped in the body of the boolgook, Umber... Due to some particularly tricky Crutonian legal protocol, he is still considered my son and heir. Don't ask me about it, but our Royal Sage, Fleeger Bn, assures me it is true.

Anyway, as it stands he is the Crown Prince and therefore heir presumptive, even though he is my second born. As I said earlier in my missive about Pooleene, she gave up her hereditary right in order to end that silly war and is now the Regent of Arkadia... such a good girl!

Anyway, back to Cactus! He is quite the little prince! He enjoys lording it over everyone, a true royal! You should see him in action! Ha ha! Alright, bye for now!

Creature of the Week... Stampede!

Well, as I think I mentioned earlier, my darling queen was once killed by one of these fellows... They live up north on the high plains, mostly standing around until they get hungry, then well they run en-mass until they find something to trample to death, do so and then lick up the remains!

Believe me when I say that we were lucky to come across a lone one, otherwise yours truly would probably not be here either!

Well, anyway on with my description... I am told that the mating ritual of the stampede involves two of the creatures rubbing against each other... remarkable! They don't do this often, though, due to chaffing. After a short gestation, the young exit the adults via their mouths... these then follow behind the herd and eat leftovers.

Stampedes themselves are quite delicious, and are hunted by the bungali amongst others for their meat... The young make an especially delicious dish called "stampanini" Oh! that reminds me! Time for lunch! Ta ta!

Palace Staff, Part 1

My Chief of staff is an excellent fellow named Hoobs. He lives in the castle with his wife Rimit. Hoobs served honorably in two of the Crutonian wars, and I trust him fully. He has two sons that are upstanding citizens, Prink and Ibleswich. Prink runs one of the best restaurants in Cruton, Prink’s Chop House, and his brother Ibleswich is the proprietor of the Whotel Who, an upscale inn also located in Cruton. Both of his sons and their establishments will be a focus of future entries.

Princess Pooleene

And here is my lovely daughter, the Princess Pooleene... She governs the principality of Arkadia with her shiftless husband the Erbian Prince Hades Skratch, she keeps a tight leash on him though! She only married him to keep Crutonia from falling under Erbian rule when things looked bad in the Pitto-Erbian War. Ha ha! Such a clever girl... she didn't let him know she had given up her right to the throne until afterwards! Meanwhile her half-brother, Cactus is the direct heir... but more on him later... Bye for now my subjects!